Play Report

 Last session, the party solved a small mystery of villagers going missing and a Witch screaming in the woods; it turned out to be a Witch - incapacitated by a stroke - and her Familiar trying to draw attention to her predicament.

They  helped nurse the Witch back to health and put her Familiar - Baalsafoth, Spirit of Hunger - at ease.

As a token of her gratitude, the Witch bestowed the party with:

• A weak healing drought and the recipe to make more
• A "Water Dart" spell
• Flaming Blade Oil
• An Idol of Luck - A small golden statue of a monkey, masturbating; his genitalia is a banana. Interacts with the Sorcerer's miscasts

This week I put my players through a small "dungeon" I've mostly finished writing for a zine project headed up by SunderedWorldDM

The party ventured up into the mountains to investigate a rumor about a cave filled with glowing rocks that had caused some of the townsfolk to fall ill.

Players are

• Cunt¹, Tiefling Druid
• Xixi², Gnoll Druid
• Clyde the Filthy Pig Orc, Pig Orc Fighter
• The Red³, Fae Filth Sorcerer

Cunt stayed on the ground and eventually found a door with no discernible lock, keyhole or hinges. Eventually, she found the corpse of a soldier with some very strange clothing and equipment; the key piece being a small, white rectangle that revealed itself to be the key to the mysterious door. That took her quite a while however as she's a new player and I didn't handle her "not knowing what the fuck to do" as well as I could have.

The other three - Xixi, Clyde, and The Red - ventured further up the mountain to investigate a plume of smoke coming from the peak. They discovered a metal grate leading into a small tunnel shaft and entered said shaft with reckless abandon. Unfortunately, I forgot some of my work so I didn't sick the vents bogeyman on them.

Once in the vents, XiXi promptly made her way to the missile storage complex below the basement of the facility. She's a loose cannon, here to fuck shit up. She heard whispers in the darkness of the tunnels and was immediately all in, ready to hang out with whoever was whispering in the dark. She introduced herself to the demon fueling the missile. The idea of loosing the missile and releasing the demon within did initially appeal to her, but she easily passed her save so she was only obliged to put up with the missile so long as it pleased her. Once she had ascertained that the demon was full of shit and she'd probably draw the short straw in this deal she quickly vacated the sub basement and moved up to the main basement complex.

In the meantime, Clyde and The Red had breached the highest point of the facility, the Command Center. Inside, they see a small room - only one entrance aside from the covert on they had made. There's a man sitting behind a stately desk, all his facial orifices have blood drying under them. He's slack in his chair, head thrown over the back edge, almost sliding out of it. There's a shattered whisky tumbler on the ground to the left of his chair.

Against the wall, there's another desk with a string of old school ham radio set ups. They're wired up haphazardly - electricity arcs between them occasionally and they're spitting out overlapping chatter from six other locations and a central command, non stop. The central command is requesting status updates and fielding requests for supply drops.

Central Command has repeatedly asked Alpha 7 for an update, The Red and Clyde surmise that this facility is Alpha 7 and against all players better judgement Clyde just hops on the horn and starts running his jowls. He tells this Central Command that the commander is dead in his office, that they've just broken in - the whole nine yards. In short order, Central Command switches tone from interrogative to condescending and tells Clyde to "Just sit tight, bub; we'll send someone your way."

(That single sentence might have been the only thing I did right th entire session actually; the entire table shit their metaphorical bricks and that started the countdown to GTFO)

By this point, Cunt has made her way into the facility and is on the intercom in the guard shack; she can see everyone on the cameras and she's telling them to come get her.

Clyde and The Red make their way down to the basement. Several things are happening at once here. Xixi is looting the medical office downstairs, Cunt is yammering on the intercom, the irradiated failed experiments in Disposal are waking up and Clyde and The Red are just now entering the basement as the irradiated failed experiments flood out of Disposal due to Cunts noise on the intercom.

Xixi and The Red each loot a plasma scalpel, and aa violent narcan substitute drug. Tired of waiting to be rescued, Cunt makes her way into the vents, down to the basement where she's insistent that she wants to "kool aid man out of the vents and smash these mother fuckers" she refuses to hear that there are 19 abominations and she doesn't stand a chance. Luckily, our Filth Sorcerer randomly rolled Befriend Poison or Disease as one of her spells. As the DM, I'd given her the spell, but had her randomly roll and completely forgot about it. She stepped in to ask if she could parley with the sickness in these monsters. I don't know that it quite fits the letter of the spell, but it had the spirit so we went with it. She learned these once men were the product of horrifying failed experiments, that the scientists had tried to integrate arcane-nuclear waste into the human body in an effort to make the perfect blending of flesh and arcana super soldiers. Something had gone wrong, but the disease wasn't sure what as that was more human affairs, and that had ended with a mass homicide and suicide in the facility. The Red convinced the abominations to let her and her friends out peacefully, and then Cunt flooded th basement complex, drawing water through the walls from the earth itself to form a poisoned oasis. 

Unfortunately, it felt like my threat of Central Command sending people to check out Alpha 7 was a little too good as the party hauled ass out of there and missed out on about half the building. As of now, they're making their way down the mountain, heading back to the Witch's cabin, hoping she can shelter them from the coming storm of Central Command.

1: I asked her what her name was and she said Cunt. She's 16 and angry. 

2: Xixi is here to FUCK SHIT UP, her first attempt was stealing the arch mage Xiximanter's name

3: The Red misread her character sheet at one point and thought "The Red" sounded really cool and thus her name.